To a Pretty Average Father

To … an utterly amazing, stupendous, incredible, energetic, attentive, generous, fantastic, charismatic, humorous, effervescent, accomplished, cordial, electrifying, brave, fabulous, loving, chivalrous, intelligent, compassionate, magnificent, fascinating, groovy, obliging, serene, delightful, impressive, courageous, lovable, with just a hint of juniper, benevolent, awesome, phenomenal, rational, assiduous, joyful, caring, gregarious, debonair, captivating, rapturous, charming, kind, formidable, considerate, trustworthy, sympathetic, gracious, optimistic, philanthropic, jaunty, amiable, sublime, outstanding and astonishing but otherwise pretty damn average father.

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To a Pretty Average Father - Extracts
 

THINGS MY FATHER TAUGHT ME . . .

He taught me logic: "If you fall off that wall and break your neck, you’re not going to the zoo!"

He taught me medicine: "Eat your carrots and you’ll be able to see in the dark."

He taught me the value of education: "If you don't learn your ‘times tables’ you'll end up selling the Big Issue!"

He taught me irony: "When that chainsaw chops off your feet, don't come running to me for sympathy."

He taught me about horticulture: "There's enough dirt in those ears to grow potatoes."

He taught me to think positively: "Always wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a car."

He taught me about hypocrisy: "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate."