To a Pretty Average Father

To … an utterly amazing, stupendous, incredible, energetic, attentive, generous, fantastic, charismatic, humorous, effervescent, accomplished, cordial, electrifying, brave, fabulous, loving, chivalrous, intelligent, compassionate, magnificent, fascinating, groovy, obliging, serene, delightful, impressive, courageous, lovable, with just a hint of juniper, benevolent, awesome, phenomenal, rational, assiduous, joyful, caring, gregarious, debonair, captivating, rapturous, charming, kind, formidable, considerate, trustworthy, sympathetic, gracious, optimistic, philanthropic, jaunty, amiable, sublime, outstanding and astonishing but otherwise pretty damn average father.

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To a Pretty Average Father


There are 800,000,042 fathers in the world. Some are naturally amazing - they can procreate at will, spawning dozens of healthy, joyful children. They devote all their time and love to their offspring, giving them security, wisdom, wealth and happiness. Other fathers, sadly, are despicably bad, giving their children nothing but a legacy of pain and sorrow. However, the vast majority of fathers are irrefutably average. In fact, applying Gaussian distribution principles of mathematical parenting, 793,856,001 fathers are shown to be in this category. This book is a celebration of the average dad, dedicated to all those amazing, stupendous, incredible, funny, fantastic, electrifying, awesome, intelligent, magnificent, fascinating, courageous, outstanding and astonishing but otherwise pretty damn average fathers in the world. The average dad may not always know the best thing to do. He may not always know the right thing to say. And he may even, occasionally, prefer to watch football than to push a pram around the park. But he is special - in his very own average sort of way.

 
 

 

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to all the amazing, stupendous, incredible, fantastic, funny, electrifying, awesome, intelligent, magnificent, fascinating, courageous, outstanding and astonishing but otherwise pretty damn average fathers out there.
 

 

FASCINATING FACTS ABOUT FATHERS

+ In the UK; the average wage is £22,000, the average cost of raising a child is £9,000 per year, the average family size is 2.4 children. So the average father has £7.69 a week to pay the mortgage, buy clothes, food, televisions, videos, CDs, Xboxes and the odd pint of lager. Unless, of course, he can persuade his average wife to take an average job rather than stay at home to care for their average kids.

+ The man who holds the record for fathering the most children is Skeggi the Lousy. Skeggi was part of a group of Vikings who invaded Skye in 796 A.D. Being a lazy chap, he could not be bothered with all the rape and pillaging, although - though he did admit that “some of the pillaging was not too unpleasant”. He settled down on the north of the island. Because of his outstanding good looks he managed to take 21 wives and 98 mistresses over the course of the next 53 years. Although records have been lost, it is estimated that he fathered a whopping 842 children – almost doubling the population of the island.

 

FATHER’S DAY TRIVIA

+ Father's Day is the ninth most popular card-sending holiday – just slightly less popular than Groundhog Day and Rogation Sunday.

+ Neckties are top of the list of Father’s Day gifts. Psychiatrist, Dr. Isa Mannaitter, suggests that this is because of the similarities between the tie and the noose.

+ Every February the Ancient Romans honoured their fathers –- but only the dead ones.

+ Modern Father’s Day began in 1910 after UK card publisher Ripoff Press manufactured too many Mother’s Day cards. They overprinted the word “Mother” with “Father” and, voilà!, suddenly dad was special too.